I’m 27, single, and on facebook.  That much you know.  What you may not know: I am also boss of a global empire of organised crime.  A level 270 insomniac, I have an hourly income of nearly $2 billion.  That works out to a cool $17.5 quadrillion in annual income–and that’s tax-free.  I guess I do have to pay the bank 10% every time I make a deposit.  But I’m pretty sure my fellow Americans in the $17.5 quadrillion tax bracket pay a slightly higher rate. 

The name of the game is Mob Wars: “An epic game of Mafia warfare, played on Facebook. Start out as a petty thief* and work your way up the ranks to become boss of your criminal empire.” 

*petty, not pretty

An aside, to clear up a common confusion about Mob Wars: you start out the game as a petty thief, not a pretty thief.  Apparently there is a [largely] female subculture in the world of Mafia warfare; a subculture that likes the idea of starting out as a pretty thief.  (By this, I do not mean large females; rather I hope to include those males out there who also fancy the idea of pretty thieves.) 

Pretty Thieves

The ad at right is an example of another Mafia game’s attempt to reach this demographic.  Yes, there is blood on the “GANGSTER CITY” text . . . but all other indicators point towards a kinder, gentler, prettier sort of mobster.  Note the two pretty chicks, and the text advertising “the newest sensation on Facebook” by telling you to “recruit your family of gangsters.”  I think that the term “family” is used in the Mafia world because mob members are usually, well, family.  By blood or by marriage.  It’s something you are born into or marry into or whatever.  The idea that you can “recruit” a family suggests that you can invite all your other pretty friends to your mob (which happens to have a family-like atmosphere).  Lastly, take a good look at these two chicks.  Ignoring the fact that a crime boss implies a singular entity (and, as far as I can tell, these two are not conjoined twins), riddle me this: do those two look like they are “the baddest crime boss”?  No.  Fix the grammar and maybe I’ll agree that they are “the [worst] crime boss[es].”  Although the one on the left does look a little bossy . . . 

back to Mob Wars:

I got my feet wet on the streets of New York City.  Sure, it was slow going at first; a lot of muggings, some stoplight car thefts.  But before long I bought a crowbar and moved on to house burglaries.  Once I had enough cash for a sweet ride, I spent several months dealing drugs out of my Crown Vic.  Ah, those were the days . . . 

Although the bigger mobs kept picking on me, and the police threw me in jail a few times when I got caught trying to rob a bank, I was able to scrape together a tiny nest egg–enough to get involved in the real estate market.  I made some good investments, and am now the proud owner of 600 Marinas, 500 Casinos, and 400 Beachfront Hotels.  I own 600 Downtown Squares, and another 600 City Blocks, not to mention the more than 3,000 restaurants, office buildings, and apartment complexes that also belong to my criminal empire.  I haven’t looked at a map of NYC recently, but I think the last time I ran the numbers, I owned about 130% of it. 

All of that, of course, was before I put down roots in Chicago, London, Vegas, Moscow, and Dubai.  It wasn’t easy, but after I corrupted 25 police officers in each city I was able to move on to the next.  I’ve got my sights set on Shanghai next; hopefully that will happen sometime next week.

the long arm of the law [enforcement] is in need

As it turns out, you can’t buy up 130% of NYC and rake in $17.4 quadrillion a year without a few people noticing.  I’ve begun to receive ads offering me a career in law enforcement.  Clearly, my time spent corrupting police officers to expand my mob indicates an interest in police work.  Here are a few of the gems I have seen recently. 

needy cops	I was touched by this ad because I misread it the first time I saw it.  I took the “Aurora cops . . . are in dire need” to mean this ad was soliciting support for a police charity.  Looking at it more closely, however, I realised that the $65,000 figure was not included to pull on my heart (or purse) strings.  In fact it was not even related to the other part of the sentence.  Perhaps the ad was trying to appeal to some subconscious stereotypes I might have about the socioeconomic status of Aurora public servants.  This swanky black police car in this picture, however, looks more like a poor-man’s batmobile than an actual Aurora police car. actual Aurora PD car
needy feds	Perhaps this advertiser realised that a big wig mob boss like myself isn’t concerned with the needs of the Aurora police department.  This ad makes it clear that it is FBI that is in need (not FBI agents) . . . so much in need that they can’t even refer to it as “the FBI” but instead save space and just go with “FBI.”  Even the title of the ad conserves by eliminating the extravagant space one would normally expect before a parenthetical comment.  After all, how needy can they be if they have enough to spring for “FBI (In Need)” instead of “FBI(In Need)”?  It’s not entirely clear to me how the opening question is related to the rest of the ad.  While it’s true that I am in the 25 to 28 age range, the ad only suggests that this somehow related to FBI being “in Need.”  In fact, unless I were to start my degree within the next few weeks, 18 months of schooling would put  me outside the 25 to 28 age range.  I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt regarding the sentence fragment at the end of the ad and assume that it should be read “to become FBI, earning $65k a year!”  The way it sits all by itself after the period, however, makes me a little uncomfortable as to how it connects with the rest of the ad.  “But what about that sleek automobile?” you may ask.  How can [the] FBI afford a car that looks like it’s straight out of iRobot if it’s “in Need?”  This question, however natural it may seem, shows why you, my friend, will never be a top investigator.  It’s all in the details.  Notice the car says “POLICE” on the side and hood.  [The] FBI, unable to afford its own cars, is forced to borrow cars from the local police force.  That’s why they can’t pay me any more than the Aurora PD.
WANTED	Here we go.  A real police ad should always begin with “Wanted:” ’cause that’s how real police advertise.  This ad makes it painfully clear that 27 year old cops are needed–although they don’t say exactly who it is that needs these cops.  Maybe it’s Aurora that needs them, but they’re hoping to bypass my anti-Aurora prejudice by leaving that name out of the ad.  I like that I don’t have to go through 18 months of training and can “start [my] career today!”  But I am a little skeptical of the matter-of-fact statement that “Cops make up to $80,000 every year.”  That’s a rather broad statistic, don’t you think?  Does that mean that I will make $80,000 every year?  It’s like saying “one child drops out of high school every 26 seconds.”  Does that mean that I will drop out of high school every 26 seconds? I hope not.  Dropping out of high school 3,323 times a day sounds EXHAUSTING.
big-budget advertising	Finally, an ad that cuts right to the chase.  I still don’t know who “they” are, the ones who “need 27 year old Men to learn to become SWAT and/or Cops,” but at least they connect the salary with the job description.  I’m a little nervous about the wide range, however.  $80,000 per year would be great, but $70 per year?  Shoot, I can make more than that in an afternoon testing new video games for NES.  But mostly I’m impressed by the big-budget advertising here.  The neediness is underscored by the fact that they couldn’t afford anything more sophisticated than microsoft Paint to make this ad.  Either that, or I’m supposed to believe that this desperate SWAT guy is going around tagging walls with “we need COPS + SWAT!”  I guess that sounds like a good job.