hummeth hits brocklee

Police Investigating Methamphetamine-Laced Hummus

BROCKLEE—Last week’s hospitalizations were just the latest casualties in a sordid drug drama playing out on the streets of Brocklee. Drug use and trafficking is nothing new, but hospitals have seen a significant increase in ER visits related to the use of “Hummeth,” or hummus laced with methamphetamine.

Jack Delmont Brocklee PD #fantasticdrivel

Captain Delmont

“It’s your classic ‘party drug’ situation,” explains Captain Jack Delmont of the Brocklee Police Department. “You go to a party, someone puts out some pita chips and veggies and a bowl of Hummeth. Next thing you know, you’ve been going for 10, 12, 14 hours… In addition to the whole human tragedy element—you know, giving unsuspecting kids their first taste of a highly addictive, highly illegal drug—it results in a lot of ‘disturbing the quiet’ violations.”

Delmont notes that Brocklee PD has seen a substantial increase in the number of citations given for “disturbing the quiet enjoyment of the home” (i.e. violations of noise ordinance).

The question that nobody can seem to answer: where does the meth come from in the first place?

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the first appearance of Idris Blake

the Humble Grocer #fantasticdrivel

excerpt from The Humble Grocer. first draft.

This was no accident. It was a message.

Which made Frank the messenger. Frank and Tyler. While the younger man seemed to enjoy the whole thing as a kind of olfactory knavery, Frank hated this part of his job.

He’d driven trash trucks in Brocklee since the early 80’s. A quarter of a century. It wasn’t a glamorous job by any means. It was hard work. Grubby and sweaty and smelly. Blue-collar heavy lifting. But it was an honest day’s work for a respectable wage. And he was performing a public service. Public servants are the backbone of our great nation, as his Pappy liked to say.

When Wastes of the West folded, Frank was relieved to learn that the folks at BIG wanted to keep him on. They needed good drivers, good trash collectors, they’d said. They needed men and women who knew this city well, drivers who could navigate the streets efficiently even if their routes seemed counter-intuitive. It was a complicated thing, this whole Superecyling business.

“We’re making a complicated thing very simple—from the consumer’s perspective, that is. That’s the best way to get the most involvement. Make it simple. The consumer just puts everything on the curb. We pick it up and they leave the rest to us.”

“Now we all know it’s not as simple as the consumer thinks, is it?” Idris Blake said with a knowing smile. The corps of drivers shook their heads and chuckled ruefully. What an understatement! “We all know that. But we’ve got a job to do, a service to provide. This is a service industry. And like any service industry, people expect magic. We’re magicians, as far as they are concerned. An industry of magicians working our industrial magic tricks.”

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police crackdown on looters

No Littering Loitering Looting Alllowed #fantasticdrivel

BROCKLEE — Local police have stepped up their efforts to prevent looting on the streets of Brocklee. Thanks to additional patrols and zero-tolerance enforcement, the Brocklee Police Department has issued over 30 looting citations in the past two weeks. Fines for looting range from a minimum of $150 all the way up to $1,500, based on an individual’s past record and the severity of the offense.

This development follows the implementation of Brocklee’s new “superecycling” program, known for its slogan “Think green. Think BIG.” The city signed an exclusive contract with BIG following the dissolution of Brocklee’s former waste-management partner, Wastes of the West. Part of the new contract involved the passage of several city ordinances, including the so-called “Clean & Safe” ordinance being used in the looting crackdown.

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city unveils new “superecycling” initiatives

think green - think BIG #fantasticdrivel

Brocklee has always been on the cutting edge of environmentally-friendly planning and programs. The city has reached a new contract agreement with waste management conglomerate “BIG” following their acquisition of the now defunct “Wastes of the West.”

“I’m very pleased with the arrangement,” the Mayor said Tuesday. “I know there was a lot of frustration with the limited recycling programs offered by Wastes of the West. With BIG we have the opportunity not only to catch up with the times, we can be seen as a model for cities of the future. That’s what Superecycling is all about.”

Superecycling involves elements of regular trash pickup, recycling, upcycling, composting, and charitable donations of used goods. BIG has chosen Brocklee businessman Mark Zeiger (and his agency, iSoar Advertising) as its Brocklee Public Relations representative. The following is Zeiger’s simple graphic explaining superecycling, and an open letter to the people of Brocklee.

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